My life

my life ......

Been struggling these past couple weeks , Grandma , relationship, family , work , potential jobs i feel like i have been trying so hard to be a good person to everyone in my life and i feel like the battle is never ending . How do you better yourself for the one you love ? i have many faults and i have many mistakes i have made in my life but i cant go back now and fix them all i can do is move forward and try to be as honest as i possibly can . it is very hard to change horrible habits you have acquired over the years and i know i am not the best at expressing my feelings to anyone my boyfriend , best friend , mom etc.. i am a very resevered person and over the years i have come to think that it is best if i keep them to myself and then i end up battling inner demons and it doesnt end up well . I also am horrible with planning and always last min that needs to change ASAP cause it is causing to much hurt to others and it is not intentional what so ever and i have no excuse as to why i do it and i know i need to change this is all breaking me down …. and to make my life feel even worse and more so like it is crashing down right in front of me my grandma whom i have never really been able to have a great relationship has had a horrible stroke and can barely speak and may have cancer even if i wanted to have a relationship with her as a grown up i dont know if i will ever be able to . I have come to realize one of the hardest things to do is prepare your self for one of your loved ones death . This is a point in my life where i feel god is really working on me hopefully for the better hopefully i can fufill all of my dreams and aspirations and to prove myself to one of the most important people in my life . I am working on a better me …….. 

these days ......

Starting to understand I cant control every situation around me I can only take car of the one that’s right smack dab in front of my face it has taken me 20 years to start understand that I can not be a miracle worker and please everyone else but yet I get nothing out of it but a heart that hurts. I woke up this week taking each day as a challenge I have to accomplish smile on my face and head held high.
I am pleased I have mustered up the courage to TRY key word try and ignore the lady I work with and go on with my day she def gets under my skin but im not going to give her the satisfaction that’s she is doing so cause I know that is what she feeds off of and it makes her happy to know she is getting to me. I will not give her that satisfaction!!!! I have gotten in touch with my artistic side again I have taken up sketching again and dusted off my camera and started doing what I love most being behind the camera lens and snapping pictures . I am very please with myself as a person for growing in such a short period of time. It’s hard to praise myself but I commend myself for learning to be strong and find a healthy outlet to relieve my stress . Being sick is not going to hold me back it may break me down sometimes but that comes with the territory but I think im becoming  a pro cause im often sick .

love this song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf_0WfNSkyA

My week so far ......

Sunday: October, 17, 2010
I have been off of work for two weeks from work for fall break since I work at a year round school. But before we got off of break I got some really good new. I was getting a transfer yay! But the hardest part was that I was going to miss my kids. Especially my little one Xitlali which whom I mentioned in my previous blog. These last two weeks have been ok I been sick but it’s been relaxing two weeks. Went to Disneyland had a good time there with my family. Over all it was an ok two weeks though. Today was definitely the deal breaker and made my excitement for my transfer go down the drains. I got word form the principal that I was no longer going to be able to change schools and was going to have to resume my recent assignment at the school I was at with the DEVIL. That crushed me when I read that email I instantly starting crying cause me was so devastated. I was ready for a new start and was ready to be in a comfortable environment with people I enjoy being around. I talked to my mom and she was saying how she didn’t raise a quitter and hopefully she will get figured out soon and all of this will blow over eventually and I will be able to transfer soon. Which is very true I don’t quit but I have never been broken down by anyone both mentally and physically? You know something’s wrong when you have absolutely no motivation to get out of bed in the morning and you walk out of work everyday with a head ache. “Something’s wrong “. Then I vented to Tommie he was nothing but understanding and knew this was not right that all of a sudden two days before I have to go back to work I now have to go back to the hell hole . I am very blessed to have such an amazing boyfriend who is behind me no matter what. Thank god I have him because sometimes I feel alone and he always reassures me that I’m not alone and I have him. 


Monday: October, 18, 2010
 So after the news that I would have to be back at work with the Devil I decided to call in cause I had major anxiety and was so depressed I had a relaxing day at home watched movies and baked which always calms me down . 


Tuesday: October 19, 2010 


Again I was feeling under the weather so I called in and pretty much slept the day away I think it was an act of depression. Which saddens me because I don’t like to feel depressed this has never happened to me and was definitely beside myself? This situation has taken over my whole personality that’s for sure. I had to talk myself into getting out of this slump and taking on this situation by storm in a since. So I had all day convince myself I can go to work and try and ignore her it was soooo hard to listen to my self motivation. So I was getting ready to lie down in bed and got this feeling in my stomach that made me want to puke. TMI sorry. I had to calm myself down and relax. I finally got to sleep about two hours later …. 


Wednesday: October, 20, 2010 


This morning I kept pressing snooze on my phone because I just wasn’t feeling it but I had to prove myself that I am strong enough to take anything on and I got my lazy butt out of bed and said a prayer for the day and was asking for god to get me through this day. Even though it was a gloomy I got myself in the car and drove to work. The second I arrived at work the vibe at work was so tense and fake. She was acting like she cared and asking me how I was feeling all she got was one word answers for me and I tried to carry on with my day. It was a rough day I can’t take people being soo fake. I was counting down the hours till I got out of there. And as always I left work with headache but it definitely was empowering to know I can shut her up by just ignoring her presence. I have found a way to kind of cope with the problem I will learn how to be stronger in this process. God is doing this to me for a reason and I will get past this and look back on this and it was just a bump in the road. Im thankful for my amazing boyfriend Tommie and for my mom who drives me crazy but is always behind me and thankful for waking up this morning and being able to live another day. 

my rambled thoughts

such a insperational song it was a great song to come across today cause it def made me think from a different point of view on my own life . Life definetly is to short to dwell and be bitter . I have lost to many people in my life these past few years and yes its sad but my loss have taught me soo much about my self i have grown so much and try my best not to take my life for granted every breathe i take is not taken for granted . Im thankful to wake up every day and to have such amazing people surrounding me on a daily basis . Many miserable people cross our paths on our lives and we just need to let them pass and not stick around cause bad attitudes seem to spread i know from personal experience . My mistakes i have made in life are my stepping stones for a amazing future you live and you learn right ? thats what im here for to learn to teach and to prosper in life . My life has its ups and downs but they only make me soo much stronger . im a tough person who knows what she wants in her life and i know i will get to where i want to be . a healthy happy person . im very thankful for all the people who love me and believe in me . Here tonight i vow to myself a amazing future and to surround myself with nothing good vibes

Life is cheap, bittersweet
But it taste good to me

Take my turn, crash and burn
That’s how it’s supposed to be

So don’t rain on my parade
Life’s too short to waste one day

I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall
Yes it sure looks good to me

Time passed by and leaves you behind
Take it naturally

Heaven knows There’s so much more
More than what we see

So don’t rain on my parade
Life’s too short to waste one day

I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall
Yes it sure looks good to me
Deep in my mind Im secure we can buy
I wanna see the light before I die or I lie in an empty space,

The darkness comes and I’ve been telling my soul
And me and myself we turn around, we’re getting old,

But the lightning crashing, foolish emotions
From the bruises and the beauty in this moment that we’re feeling,

And I feel like I’m seeing the world inside of me
But I can tell you that I know, it’s getting easier to breathe,

There’s a cold in the morning, endless equation
Of who’ve we’ve become, it’s a complex situation



Love , Stella
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inGbW1iiACs

Harder then i thought

For the past week I have been anticipating this day of freedom from the place I work but it wasnt all I thought it was going to be . My connection with these kids has grown so strong and it very hard to part ways with them especially cause the bond I have with is not only educational its emotional . I hope I made a great impact on these kids future and I hope they remember what I have taught them succeed in school for years to come . My heart hurts but it will be mended by being able to touch other childrens hearts and make a impact on them also I feel very blessed and thankful that I got the oppurtunity to spend time with them . Now its time for me to be happy and move on
Krystle

bitter sweet

so i have this bitter sweet feeling and i know its going to hit me soo hard tomorrow . Tomorrow is my last day in my class room that i have been in for the last six months and i am teaching some of the kids from my class last year all over again . I have such a amazing bond with these kids especially one little girl who has stolen my heart and is not only my student she is my little friend her name is xitlali . Xitlali has made my time in the classroom so enjoyable she is the funniest little girl i have ever known and is absolutely adorable . She teaches me how to “jerk” and “shuffle” all the time and she cracks me up when she dances its halarious. I think her funniest moment was when my supervisor aka the devil was trying to talk to me and she sai ” ummm miss kim im talking to miss krystle wait please ” with her little attitude arm waving and all i was dying it was halarious . I have seen her grow soo much in the past couple months and i am kinda sad i wont be there to keep teaching her . She started out this little girl who was a bully and would punch and hit kids and now she is such a smart girl who calls me her “bestfriend” and absolutely loves me and i feel the same way about her .In the end i know this decision is going to be whats best for me in the end i will finally be happy and in a confortable place but i will miss my little girl Xitlali hopefully i will see her around and keep in touch with her and still be able to hear lots of good things about her i really hope i touched her as much as she has touched me .Tomorrow is going to be a rough day having to tell her i wont be back but i know this is whats best for me .